


the misconception of forever

by navree



Category: Pundit & Broadcast Journalist RPF (US), Real News RPF
Genre: Consensual Infidelity, Experimental Style, F/M, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-22 15:47:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15585273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navree/pseuds/navree
Summary: 'Is it possible to love two [people] at the same time?'a study in the opening, closing, and reopening of doors.





	the misconception of forever

**Author's Note:**

> this is all sad conspiracy theory bullshit but there are SOME people (hem hem) who know exactly what's going on and who put the ideas in my head.  
> as always, comments (either positive or constructive) are always welcome and much appreciated!

_"[...] Charles found himself weeping. Stephen Barry asked what was wrong. 'Stephen,' he said. 'Is it possible to love two [people] at the same time?'" -[Prince Charles, The Passions and Paradoxes of an Improbable Life](https://www.amazon.com/Prince-Charles-Passions-Paradoxes-Improbable/dp/1400067901), by Sally Bedell Smith, page 328 of 1345. _

 

 

 

they fuck up. 

not him. them. 

he specifically asked. "don't put me on the show. move my slot up. correspond me with wolf instead. just don't put me on the show." and his tone must have let them know he meant it. 

and they'd acquiesced. he corresponds with wolf. he hasn't seen hide or hair of this show, professionally, since 2017. it's good. 

no it's not. but it's what's necessary. 

but they fuck up, _they fuck up_ , and suddenly everyone who could is busy and hope hicks is resigning and they're shoving him in front of the camera and he has half a second to give matt a look of almost panic before he puts on game face and jake tapper on the monitor. 

it doesn't seem like jake knew either. 

 

 

 

names jim acosta calls the people who love him

jake tapper: jake, jacob

liz landers: liz, elizabeth, lizzie

matt hoye: matt, matty

 

 

 

"you've never wanted to get divorced, have you?" jen looks at him like he's grown a second head. that's fair, it's a very out of the blue question for jake to ask. especially as the first thing to say when they come back from date night. 

"where's this coming from?" jake unknots his tie. with his left hand. his wedding ring glints in his peripheral vision. 

there's got to be another one, stashed away somewhere. this one is far too clean, too respectable. there's got to be one tucked under a mattress, at the bottom of a drawer, hidden underneath the floorboards. one stained and tarnished and dirtied, to represent everything he's wrong he's committed against his marriage, his vows, his commitment. 

where is this portrait of dorian gray style ring? he should have one, shouldn't he, for his conscience. it doesn't feel right, that there's no sort of physical symbol of everything he did to his marriage, everything he's doing to his marriage, everything he will continue to do to his marriage. 

"jim's gonna be out this week." jen clucks sympathetically, slipping out of her heels. 

"how is he?" jake doesn't know the right answer to that. on the surface, jim's fine. he keeps his private life fiercely private, and by all counts he's just a bit more subdued than normal, but otherwise relatively the same. 

jake just knows differently because he got a private show last month, and has been drowning in the feelings it unlocked ever since then. 

"well, you know, he tends to keep this kind of stuff to himself." no matter how much jen knows, he's not going to divulge the more personal stuff. it feels wrong, too intimate, and a betrayal of trust. and jake's a good guy, he's not going to betray jim's trust. 

he's a good guy. he is, really he is. 

"he's probably just gonna need some space," jen says. jake nods. it still leaves a weird taste in his mouth, not knowing what to do, not even sure if he can **_(_** or wants **_)_** to do anything at all. "and for the record? no, i've never wanted to get divorced." jake smiles, gives her a quick kiss. 

"thank you." yes fine, it might have been a dumb question to ask, considering they've been married for more than ten years and have two kids, but it still quiets his mind. 

and the longevity of a marriage is no measure of its success. jim was married for twenty four years and now it's gone. everything's gone.

"well, at least i can tell the kids you won't be back late this week."

oh. right. that's why he gets nervous sometimes. 

 

 

 

summer 2017 focus group, 3 passersby are quizzed on a conversation they heard between two lovers, a man and a woman. 

#1: they were just talking about hanging out. i think they went to europe recently? maybe an anniversary vacation, who knows. they sounded cute together. 

#2: the guy talked about going steady. it's weird, in my experience the guy almost never wants to be the one to ask about going steady. 

#3: from what i saw and heard, it sounded like the girl wanted to go steady too. funny thing, they both sounded really scared about it. which doesn't make sense. 

**_(_** _q: what do you mean?_ **_)_**

#2: two people don't act like that unless they're in love. 

#3: and they were clearly in love, they just weren't admitting it. 

#1: oh they were definitely in love. i think that's why it took them so long to get to this point. 

_**(** q: you think they've been together for a while? **)**_

#3: oh definitely.

#1: certainly. 

#2: without a shadow of a doubt. 

_**(** q: so did they go steady? **)**_

#2: she said yes to it. really quickly too, like all she had needed was for him to say it first. you know how that goes, sometimes? you don't know you want something until someone else voices it?

#1: i think that's the happiest that guy's looked in a while, to be honest. it was nice to see. 

#3: i wonder what made him so sad, before the two of them got together. i wonder who broke his heart before he started seeing her. 

_**(** q: why do you think someone broke his heart? **)**_

 

 

 

 

not to sound narcissistic, even though it will, but jake is not an isolated incident. wait, let's rephrase. 

things with jake are unique, in their own way. it's a relationship, however twisted and bizarre, and it's a relationship that jim knows he can never reproduce or imitate with anyone else. but the very foundations of it, that can be duplicated. it has been duplicated. there's a kind of feeling when he's with jake, an "of course i love him" feeling. it's not the first time jim's felt it. 

being loved is not an isolated incident.

how can you not love him? that seems to be the general consensus. how can anyone not love jim acosta? 

he's not sure how he feels about it. the part that everyone calls grandstander, attention seeker, whore, that parts must love it. and sometimes, jim can feel it, he really can. the warmth in his chest that comes with knowing that you're adored, not just by that one special someone, but by many. 

but sometimes he wants to shove it all away. because it does feel like attention seeking, and there's a voice in the back of his mind, in some of the hate mail he gets, that maybe if he didn't have this, or enjoy it so much, he would still have everything he lost.

his family. his sanity.

and there is, of course, a laundry list of people who love him.  

his parents love him. the merits of that is that he's never, ever, had to worry that their love would fade or change with time. it's unconditional, the love a parent has for their child. he knows that, he knows that all too well, ever since he got married and had a family of his own. 

his children love him. that's the one thing jim will hold onto, the one thing he doesn't regret. yes he eschewed any kind of custody for favor of giving them as painless a life as possible, and yes that means he sees them on rare occasions, and _yes_ it does make him feel like he wants to die sometimes. but they still love them, and he loves them back. 

matt loves him. matty, sweet and infatuated matty, who doesn't think jim knows but he does. they've known each other for a while, and it's a bit obvious. jim won't tell him. matt's his friend, his best friend, and he cares about him so fucking much. he doesn't want to ruin it by admitting he knows about something he doesn't feel back. 

liz loves him. at least, he thinks she does. he loves her. and there are the small things, the way she kisses him, the way she strokes his hair when he puts his head in her lap, the way she smiles back at him when he smiles at her. sometimes he can see love. it makes him forget his regrets, loving her and feeling that she loves him.

jake loves him. that's been a story half a decade in the making. five years, five long years, since the first time jake saw him and he saw jake. you can see it on jake's face, you really can. and you can see it on jim's too. maybe he doesn't feel it to the same intensity jake feels it, all devastating and desperate and almost distressing, but jim does feel it. jake loves him, and he loves jake back. for five years. hasn't stopped, didn't even stop when things went to hell. 

the issue, of course, is that he has a tendency to love people right back. his heart is too open, he knows that. he just doesn't know what he can do about it, if he can do anything about it at all.

 

 

 

when jim thinks back on his first times with jake and liz, he marvels at how extraordinarily different they are. and not just because of the difference that comes naturally in the sex with a man vs. sex with a woman debate. 

they're different types of partners. liz is louder. jake is into hair pulling. and setting, that's a factor too. he's got a laundry list of places he and liz have gone at it. his bedroom, her bedroom, various closets and abandoned offices in the west wing, hotel rooms, his boat. with jake, it's generally the bedroom. maybe something pressed up against a wall when there's a lot of urgency and no time.

they were just two vastly different experiences. which is to be expected, but it still stuns him on occasion. 

not just the sex, even. just jake and liz. so dissimilar you wouldn't even put them in the same category, but because of the fact that they're both involved with him, they are. they're in the category of _loved by jim acosta_. it's not a category he wants them in. 

no one deserves to be put in that category. 

 

 

 

_"Women have been flocking to recently separated Jim Acosta, the CNN White House correspondent whom President Trump derisively called “a real beauty.”_

_The handsome Cuban-American was married for 24 years [...] But since the couple quietly split earlier this year and started divorce proceedings, Acosta has been embracing the single life in Washington, DC." -[Recently separated CNN reporter is loving the single life](https://pagesix.com/2017/07/24/recently-separated-jim-acosta-of-cnn-is-loving-the-single-life/), by Richard Johnson, Page Six, July 24, 2017._

 

 

 

jake begs forgiveness. _begs_. on his knees. 

it starts after state of the union. no, not that one, not the one that's burned into the back of his mind. that one wasn't the one that's helping to knit things together, that's the one jake tries not to think about if he can help it. he's pretty sure jim's in the same boat as him on that camp. 

no, this is a different state of the union. 

it goes like this: they shove jim on the lead by accident. and he could die from it, he could. there's something about seeing him there, on the monitor, that just feels so right. like a homecoming of sorts, even though this is an accident that never should have happened.

jim doesn't look at him. oh, he tries, jake can see it, the breath he takes as he tries to force his eyes upward, and the way they immediately fling themselves down. like it hurts, like he was staring at some sharp sun glare and needed to look away for fear of going blind or inflicting permanent damage on himself. 

jake wants to say _good_ , wants to look at jim's guilt and say _that's what it feels like_. but that would be to deny his own role in whatever mess this was. really, the two of them could write a book on how to torpedo any kind of relationship ever. 

but even if they were torpedoed, even if jim's been freezing him out since the fall, jake can't stop himself from staring at him. maybe jim can't look at him anymore, but he's here and present and in front of him, and he's still beautiful. jake wants to drink him in, wants to stare and stare until his eyes sting, until he's forced to look away.

jim doesn't want to meet his gaze. that's all jake wants.

he tries, tries very hard, to respect the boundaries jim set. jim wanted to pretend he didn't exist, fine, he can do that. he doesn't like doing it, not at all, but he'll respect jim's wishes. and it's easy, when he hasn't seen or heard from jim since the fall. 

but he shows up on jake's show, like some kind of beautiful ghost, flitting back into his life after so much time apart. and it's suddenly that much harder to stay away, to keep behind the wall they'd built up since last year. he wants to do something, anything, but he can't figure out how. 

then he has vacation days and needs to find a replacement for that sunday's sotu. the name is in his head before the realization is even fully formed. 

 

 

 

it goes like this: jake apologizes for the first time in his life. he doesn't do that normally, he's so set in his beliefs that he knows best. because he generally does. so, in general, no apologies, not even attempts at apologies. maybe jake should try. try his hand at self examination, at figuring out where he went wrong. 

because as much as he wants to think he didn't go wrong, there's been a voice in the back of his head, nagging and persistent, since january 2017, to tell him that he absolutely did. there's an answer to the question, the question of what happened. what happened? 

what happened is that jake fucked up. 

what happened is that jim was in pain, the kind of excruciating pain that explodes out intermittently, and violently so. what happened is that jake didn't know how to handle that, and simply didn't, didn't handle it at all. what happened is that they began to drift. what happened is that jim started looking for other people. what happened is that jake started letting him. what happened is that jim got sick of it and slammed the door in his face. 

what happened is that jake let him down. 

and jim isn't supposed to forgive him for that. that's not how the world works. people hurt you and you hold that hurt close to your heart, so that you're reminded of how awful it felt. it's what jake does, why he knows he looks like he's dying when jim shows up on his monitor. 

so that's what jim should do. jim should be physically incapable of wanting anything to do with him ever again, and jake would understand. but jake still tries. 

it's late at night and maybe jim's gone home, but jake's at his office door and knocking. it doesn't take jim long to answer, in shirtsleeves, hair slightly mussed, like he just raked his fingers through it. 

a disheveled jim is still a beautiful jim, that's just a fact. 

"hey." jim seems pleasantly surprised to see him, too much so, the way that lets jake know that it's not entirely genuine. but it's also not that manic way that lets jake know jim wants him gone. they're somewhere in the middle. 

"hi." jake enters when jim waves him, closes the door behind him. the sound is loud to jake's ears. "you're here late." jim rubs the back of his neck and makes a low chuckling sound in the back of his throat. 

"got a lot of work and not a lot waiting at home, so." he's too casual about it. he flutters his fingers and shrugs his shoulders smoothly, like it's nothing, like it's fine. liar liar, pants on fire. "what can i do you for?" 

"we haven't really had a chance to talk," jake says, forcing the words past a tight throat. jim raises his eyebrows at him. 

"they always do say the mind goes right after the eyesight." he doesn't sound like he's trying to be mean. more disingenuous, like he doesn't care. and that he's good at pretending. but jake knows that jim wouldn't have agreed to fill in on sotu if he didn't still care.

hopefully.

"funny." jake's flat sarcasm actually wrings something of a smirk from jim.

"so what about our talk last weekend doesn't meet the qualifications of a _talk_?" he asks, sitting down in a chair. jake leans against the wall, tucks his hands into the pockets of his pants.

"that was a work talk," is jake's neutral, carefully modulated reply. "not a real talk. not about you and me." the implication is clear. _you and me_ , one entity, together, not _you_ and _me_ , two separate things. jim can tell the difference, something shifts, almost imperceptible, on his face. 

"there's a _you and me_ now?" his curiosity is laid on thick, false. like jake's words have rubbed him the wrong way. "i wasn't aware of that."

"with everything that happened," jake continues, pushing past jim's words. if he's going to get through this, he can't be sidetracked. "we need to, i don't know, clear the air." jim rolls his eyes. 

"jacob, we're fine-" 

"oh, bull _shit_." it slips out without his meaning to. jim blinks at him, slightly stunned. "we're not fine." 

"i'm fine." jake resists the urge to call bullshit again. jim so isn't fine. yes, he hasn't seen anything of him since fall of last year, but he saw plenty of him before then. jim's fine like he's a faithful family man. which is to say, he's not. 

"that's great, but we aren't." jim tips his head back, exasperated, exposes the column of his throat. the skin looks soft, delicate, unkissed. in the back of his guilt ridden, apologetic brain, jake wants to remedy that. "we aren't fine jim, we aren't." 

"and that's _not_ my problem," jim says. he doesn't even snap, he doesn't sound mean, he just sounds like he's struggling. like there's something he's working hard at, and he's failing it. selfishly, jake hopes he's forgetting to hate him. if he ever hated him. if jim forgives him, it'll be proof that god still exists. 

"i'm not saying that," jake replies evenly. he rocks on his heels, resists the urge to pace, like he does normally when he's agitated or riled up or just needs to do something. "i'm just." now jim talks. 

"what? what do you want?" jim splays his hands, practically helpless. "what do you want me to say? you fucked up." 

" _yes_." it hurts to say, but almost a pleasant pain. jim's right, he's so so right. "yes, i fucked up." it feels bizarre, strange, wrong even, to be standing, looming over jim during this talk. it makes him feel like he has too much power; he has none of the power. 

it's only when jake lowers himself so that he's a little below eye level, it's only when jake sees jim's eyebrows dart up, that he realizes, belatedly, that he is literally on his knees for jim. on his knees, _begging_ , begging for jim. kneeling and pleading for forgiveness. 

"i fucked up." he repeats it to see if it feels easier the second time. no it doesn't. humility isn't in his nature. but neither is letting things go. "in january, last year, i fucked up. and i'm." jake clenches his jaw, grinds his teeth. "i am so sorry." he wonders if he's ever said anything with this much genuine sincerity in his life. 

jim's face is open, soft. has jake been forgiven? has he? 

he's kissed before he can keep talking. it's soft, sweet, jim's fingers gentle, a featherlight touch grazing his cheek. jake leans into it because he feels as if he's been starved until now. 

there's a myth, the myth of tantalus, he who was so close to food and drink but unable to consume it, a hellish punishment dreamed up by hades himself. it's been like that, but now jake has what he needs, again, and when jim pulls away he could all but keen with want. jim stands, rakes a hand through his salt and pepper hair. he goes to the door. 

so much for that. 

but instead of opening it and leaving, jim twists the lock. it clicks, a loud sound that almost echoes in the room. there's a brightness in jim's face when he turns. and he smiles, with teeth, sharp with intent. attractive, yes, but not the same as it once was. 

he makes his way back over to jake, who moves to stand. but jim puts a firm hand on his shoulder, pushes him back down. 

"no no." it's soft, a bit admonishing, a touch warm. _oh_. jake is smiling when he opens his mouth.

 

 

 

yes, jim sees other people while seeing jake. he's getting divorced, he's giving up his kids, his life is going to hell both professionally and personally. if he wants to fuck a string of different people, he can. fucking sue him. 

he stops after a few months. he's never been one for casual sex with a lack of intimacy. besides, he eventually settles on someone new, someone he doesn't want to leave, someone he doesn't want to leave him. well, two people, but one of them has been around since 2013, so _he's_ not new. she is. 

 

 

 

**love**  
_ləv/_  
             noun  
                     1. to care so deeply, so expansively, so exhaustively, that it burns you out, destroys you just a touch. see:

  * jim acosta,
  * jake tapper
  * liz landers 



 

 

 

the soundtrack to the last few years is interesting. there's very little music. more like a symphony of different sounds, that chronicle a variety of journeys. there's the soft chats between friends. the muffled laughs of inside jokes. the rustle of skin and skin. the wet sounds of kisses. sighs, moans, a soft cry, other sounds one would associate with sex. 

the dry sound of a hand holding a hand. the shouts of political rallies. the click of a clenched jaw. the slam of doors after countless arguments. the rattling breath of those who just want a simple break.

other sounds, that you more feel than actually hear. the elastic stretch in the voice of someone who doesn't break. the brittle quality in the voice of someone who will. the whistle of wind between drifting lovers. the silence from once talkative friends.

the thud of a back pushed against a wall. the defeated and weary sigh of someone who knows they screwed up. the imperceptible softness of tears falling on another woman's skin. 

a symphony. not one you wanted to hear, necessarily, but it's the one you've got. it's the only one you'll ever get.

 

 

 

the first time she spends the night at jim's, it's an accident. it is, really. 

they don't spend nights at each other's places. not a full night. but they've had a long day, the both of them, news heavy and exhausting. it's one of those days where you feel the weariness down in your bones. and thank god the next day is saturday, so she doesn't have to do a variety of mental gymnastics when jim asks if she wants to go back to his apartment with him. 

she just says yes. 

and after they're done, it seems like she falls asleep almost immediately after. not on purpose, one minute she's awake and the next minute she's asleep, and she may or not feel his fingers on her skin, some point during the night. it's a nice feelings, and the best sleep she's had in a while. 

liz wakes up to an overcast sky and the smell of cooking eggs. it makes her feel like she's at home, even if the bed isn't her's and the room is unfamiliar. she hasn't actually seen jim's room in the light of day. it's a bit weird.

"hey." jim pops his head through the door, comes all the way in when he sees that she's awake. "you up?" liz pushes herself up into a sitting position, loops her arms loosely around her knees. 

"i feel like that's fairly obvious." he sits at the edge of the bed with a joking grimace. 

"ok, that's fair." there's a blotch of something on his shirt, just on his collar, near his throat. liz reaches out, picks at it briefly. if he leans into her touch slightly, she won't comment on it. if she doesn't mind it at all, she won't comment on it. 

"whatcha got there?" he glances down, paintbrush eyelashes brushing against his cheekbones. 

"i was trying my hand at gordon ramsay style eggs," jim says, perfectly casual. "you know, with the stirring and the taking on and off the heat. had some trouble with the crème fraîche so i think it, uh." he waves his hands about aimlessly. "well, now i look like a mess."

"eh, it works on you." liz blurts it out without thinking. blame it on the fact that her brain is still a bit groggy with sleep. jim's smile is so wide, it lights up his entire face. it makes her smile back. "so cooking breakfast for one night stands, that's just something you do?"  

"for one, i don't think you're a _one_ night stand." liz nods, because he's right, technically that's true, and jim smiles again. "and yes, i do. is that such a crime?" 

"nope." _it's sweet_ , is what liz wants to say. it's part of the reason why she likes him so much. which is weird, because she wasn't supposed to like him so much. it's supposed to be a fling, that's what this is. but it's becoming increasingly clear to her that jim acosta doesn't really do flings. she's not sure he knows how. he's too willing to care. "and hey, i'm not complaining at breakfast in bed." jim's nose scrunches. 

"i mean if you want, i think i have a tray -?" he probably has more to say, but liz kisses him before he can get to it. it's different than their other kisses. softer, less geared towards sex and more just a kiss for the sake of kissing. they've had one other kiss like that. this one is less sudden, less startling, less sad. 

his lips are soft and he tastes faintly of coffee and raspberry jam. when they break away, jim leans forward, stops himself. he tilts his head, a bit quizzically, almost like a puppy. he's asking permission, in some strange sort of way. liz nods, and knows that she's got the smallest, softest, most ridiculous and insipid smile on her face, but he kisses her again and they fall back on the bed and she really couldn't care. 

they're good eggs, when they finally get around to eating them, and liz ponders, for a brief moment, whether an actual relationship with him would be so bad. 

**_(_** and when they do start dating, she realizes that no, it's not so bad at all. **_)_**

 

 

 

_“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.” -[Camino Real](https://www.amazon.com/Camino-Real-Tennessee-Williams/dp/0811202186) by Tennessee Williams, 1970_

 

 

 

**TRANSCRIPT OF A PHONE CALL BETWEEN JIM ACOSTA AND JAKE TAPPER**

_March 3, 2018, 12:24 AM_

**JIM** : Jim Acosta. 

**JAKE** : Hey. 

_a silence._

**JIM** : Hey!

**JAKE** : So, listen, I know it's short notice, and you might be off or on vacation or at Mar-A-Lago-

**JIM** : I think I'm free, actually-

**JAKE** : -but I've got a few free days and one of them is next week on eleventh, which is a Sunday-

**JIM** : Jacob? 

_a swallow._

**JAKE** : Yeah? 

**JIM** : Is there a question in there somewhere? 

**JAKE** : Right. Yeah. I was, em, wondering. 

**JIM** : ...Well don't give yourself a brain hemorrhage Jacob, spit it out. 

**JAKE** : Wouldyouguesthostsotu? 

_a flashback. jim acosta, broken._

**JIM** : ...OK. 

**JAKE** : OK? 

**JIM** : OK. Unless you've changed your mind in the last five seconds. 

**JAKE** : No! No, if you're willing, of course-

**JIM** : I'm willing.  

**JAKE** : Why? 

**JIM** : Why what?

**JAKE** : Why are you willing? 

_a softening._  

**JIM** : Oh Jacob.

**JAKE** : I'm serious. I wanna know.

**JIM** : You do?

**JAKE** : Yes. Why?

**JIM** : Because you asked. 

_a memory. love, an echo._  

**JAKE** : I'm. 

**JIM** : Good night Jake. 

**JAKE** : Yeah. Um. Goodnight. 

 

 

 

she reads the page six article out of pure curiosity. doesn't really know why, but she does anyway. it's not like she and jim are exclusive or anything. it's just sex. he can sleep with however many people in however many hotels as he wants. 

liz is not jealous. _she's not_. 

jealousy is for other people. jealousy is for jake tapper **_(_** yeah, she figured that one out pretty quickly, because she has eyes that work **_)_** , not for her. so what if the ultra reliable page six tells her that jim has a rotation of people circling in and out of his home, his bedroom? 

he's perfectly allowed to do that. he probably wouldn't mind if she fucked other people. except that she's not, even though she's more than entitled to. jim isn't her boyfriend, he wouldn't have the right to complain. 

and, you know, everything in this article. also a reason why he wouldn't have a right to complain. and he's not, because there's nothing going on. he's not complaining, she's not complaining, everything's the same as it's been since april. two people, who are relatively friendly with each other, also having sex. and that's all it is. 

except when she gets to her very small office after a long day that included, but was not limited to, going around in circles with the white house and getting into it with matt, who was in a bad mood for god knows why, there's a small box on her desk. 

jim got her a present.

there's note along with the gift. _"the rumors of my ~~demise~~ promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated."_ where there should be an attribution to who said it, or at least who he's paraphrasing, there are two question marks. 

the fact that jim knows a mark twain quote well enough to parody it but not well enough to remember that it's a mark twain quote is not in any way endearing. it really isn't, she swears it. 

this seems to become a common thread. her trying to deny something, emphatically deny it, all while that little voice in the back of her head makes her wonder if there's a reason she's denying everything with as much intensity as she is. if maybe, just maybe, this isn't merely sex. 

maybe she wants a relationship. maybe he wants a relationship. 

liz gets him something too. because why not? just like his was something without it being said, her's is a thank you without saying thank you. and, after the weekend, if he notices wearing a new necklace, or if she notices him sporting a new tie, neither of them say anything. 

 

 

 

dinner with jim is good. sex with jim is even better. 

it's the second time they've kissed, this time, her pressed up against the door, and he's got his fingers in her underwear and knows exactly what to do. there's more kissing, when they finally make their way to his bedroom, stumbling, half frantic. he parts her legs and slips inside and it's good, it's really good.  

she holds onto him as if for dear life. he seems to be holding her the same way.

he ripped her tights. he did a lot of things, but it's the tights he apologizes for, now that they're done, catching their breath in tandem, stuttering and uneven and still a bit shaky. liz shakes her head, tells him it's ok. passes a hand through his hair. 

she's not sure why the tights get an apology. but they might be a stand-in for a whole slough of things. when she leaves, liz curls her hands into fists until there are red, angry half moon shaped grooves deep in the skin from where she dug her nails into her palms. 

they do it again in about a week. and they keep on doing it, and that's how their official romantic life together starts. not very romantic, huh?

 

 

 

there are literally thirty minutes until state of the union starts, and jim has just banged open the door to his office, startling jake at his desk. the first thing jake notices is that he's twisting his wedding ring hard, like he wants to snap his finger clean off his hand. 

the second thing jake notices is this: there are tears in jim acosta's eyes. 

it's 2017. jake has been at this network for about four years now. he's known jim almost exactly as long. and in that entire time, he has never seen anything jim hasn't wanted him to see. if he sees a smile, an eye roll, anything, it's because jim wants him to see it. 

jake can say with absolute certainty, when he looks back on it, that jim doesn't want him to see this. he's just the only one jim would hate the least for seeing this. 

"jim -" he shakes his head, presses a shaking hand to his mouth. jake tries to shut up, he does. but jim's pacing, moving in small, jerky steps. " _jim_."

maybe it's the way he says it. maybe it's just that he's saying something at all. but jim tries for a "no," chokes himself off, and then, to jake's utmost horror, does two things simultaneously: sits on jake's couch, which is all right, and starts crying, which is _not_. not by a long shot. 

"jim." he has no clue why he keeps saying jim's name. there are other things he can say. he can say, "are you ok?", "what do you need?", "what can i do?", "what's happening?", but he doesn't say any of that at all. he says his name. jake stands, and part of him is screaming to go over to the couch, _hold him_. 

he doesn't. he says jim's name, while jim presses his hands to his face and _sobs_ , sobs like his heart is breaking, sobs like he's being torn apart. maybe that's happening, jake doesn't know. he never knows.

he doesn't know what to _do_. jim has a hand over his face, and his shoulders shake as he cries, and jake doesn't know what to _do_.

jim catches his breath, like he's been running a marathon. it's a wet and ragged sound, awful. 

"it's an uncontested divorce," jim tells him. 

 

 

 

an uncontested divorce, according to law, is one that doesn't need to go to court, where the issues of a marriage have been resolved between both parties without the use of the legal system. this is at odds to a contested divorce, which does go to court and needs a judge to determine the ultimate outcome of the issues.

there are often four at the heart of every divorce.   
_1\. division of community and/or marital property_  
_2\. division of debt_  
**_3\. custody of any children_**  
_4\. payment of child and/or spousal support_

 

 

 

there are tear tracks on jim's face, and his eyes are ringed with red. he looks pale, looks sick. in the back of his head, jake hears a sound, like a dry twig snapping underfoot. that's the sound of his own heart. 

"so." he grapples with words for a minute. "you get -"

"nothing," jim spits out. "no custody, none at all." jake gapes at him.

later, he'll learn that today's events are an amalgamation of things, from the way of the world to the treatment he's getting to the workload he has to his personal troubles to sheer exhaustion. that jim is tired and angry and sad and grieving a whole slough of things. but now, all jake can think of is that if he didn't have custody of his children, he'd cry like this too. 

"why?" it's not a laugh that jim gives, it's a hysterical bark.

"judges rarely award custody to fathers." he curls his fingers into fists. "they definitely wouldn't give it to a father who travels too much in a somewhat unstable job and gets sent death threats in the mail. there's no judge that would ever award custody to a father like me, and i can't." jim stuffs a hand against his mouth. gasps like he's forgotten how to breathe. "i'm not."

this time, jake does know. jim doesn't want to put his children through a protracted custody battle he knows he'll lose. it's better to simply give up. to give _them_ up. 

"i'm not abandoning them," he whispers. it sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than anything. 

jake sits down next to him when he starts to tremble again, when his face crumples, when he lets out a sad, broken sound, when he buries his head in his hands and tightens his fingers in his hair and weeps in that way that makes any listener grateful to have never known this level of pain. 

jakes says ~~"how can i make this better?"~~ nothing

he hopes his own aching on jim's behalf doesn't show up too obviously on air, not like jim's red eyes and pale face and clear attempts to act like everything's fine. it's not, and it probably shows on both their faces.

this is the first of the only two times he shows up on the show. it takes him more than a year to return. in more ways than just the one literal sense. 

 

 

 

_"Yes." -Jake Tapper,[CNN's The Lead with Jake Tapper](https://archive.org/details/CNNW_20151012_200000_The_Lead_With_Jake_Tapper/start/2307/end/2367?q=acosta), October 12th, 2015. Said softly, lovingly, a man staring at the sun._  

_**(** "Yes." -Jake Tapper, before his first kiss with Jim Acosta. Date unknown. Feelings uncertain. Said the exact same way. **)**_

 

 

 

the new world order isn't perfect, but it's good enough.

because it's not like things were perfect before. before, jim was also married, it wasn't just jake. and before, there was a worry that maybe crossing the line from friendship into something more would end up screwing them both over. or worse, it would somehow impede what they were doing at work. 

and jake loves his career. he's not going to jeopardize it just because he fell for a handsome correspondent, of that he's certain. 

it was literally the only thing he was certain of, before. before, he wasn't sure how strong his feelings were, or how strong jim's feelings were, or how this would all end up. or even if there would be any end at all, or if they were just going to go around and around in some sort of sex and love cycle until the end of time. 

there are no such worries now. because it did end, and jake knows how it ended. all the messiness, all the tragedy of it. so now they've established something new, something different built out of the old. 

jake tries not to make ashes and rising phoenix analogies in his head. 

now things are different. as previously established, it isn't perfect, but it's definitely better than the months he was frozen out and held at arm's length. jake will take this, wholeheartedly. 

nowadays, jake knows where jim stands, he knows what his feelings are, how strong they are. jake knows that he cares more than jim does. it makes sense, he has more to make up for, more to prove. or maybe jake's always cared about jim more than jim has cared about jake. maybe it's only taken jake this long to realize it, to really see it. 

nowadays, he sees jim rarely. and when they do see each other, it's almost always on jim's terms. quickies in his empty home, or an office, or a bathroom at some awards show or party. maybe a night in a hotel room, if they're lucky. and they so rarely are lucky.

nowadays, jim's in love, not with jake, but with elizabeth landers. jake can see if, even if jim and liz can't. jim loves her, and by all looks she loves him too, and jake's been relegated to the consolation for bad days and worse nights or times when jim must feel nostalgic for the days before the trump presidency, when things were lighter and more free.

nowadays, he sees something in jim's eyes that makes him wonder if being with jake is some kind of punishment he's inflicting on himself. but sometimes, nowadays, he sees a softness, and an unending forgiveness that he doesn't deserve. nowadays, he knows that even if jim doesn't care as much, he still cares.

why else would he let him back in, time and time again, when jake objectively knows that he doesn't deserve it?

nowadays, jake also knows that jim will forgive him. he did it once, and he's pretty sure he'll do it again. not that jake would ever intentionally fuck up again, or even intentionally try to hurt him **_(_** and how could you want to hurt him, when he's so open and kind and has a smile like the sun? **_)_** , but he just might. unintentionally. and if he pleaded forgiveness again, apologized, jim would probably take him back.

definitely. definitely take him back.   

yes. yes, things aren't perfect, and in some ways they're worse than they were before, but in some ways they're also better. and jake, who will scrounge for any emotional scraps, will take any of it, all of it. 

 

 

 

a snippet from _how to torpedo a relationship_ , by jim acosta and jake tapper **_(_** unpublished **_)_**

step one: you meet someone. he's got a smile like the sun, or a velvet soft look in his eye. you both smile at each other, laugh, banter. you're becoming friends, slowly but surely. 

step two: you make a home for him in your heart. 

step three: finally, finally finally finally, he kisses you. finally, finally finally finally, you kiss him. and it's been a long time building, it has, you and him. friendship and emotion and all those unspoken things, out in the open. 

step four: you start seeing each other regularly. the both of you are married. one of you happily so. the other at least trying to salvage it. or not, given that this is happening. you start seeing each other. you keep on seeing each other. 

step five: love him. love him like it's muscle memory, like it's ingrained in your brain. love him like you don't have any other option but to love him, and resign yourself to it, like the lord to his fate on the cross. love him. 

step six: have the world fall apart. trips to cuba. contentious elections. stunning and nauseating victories. ruined marriages. families falling apart. infidelities, more than usual. 

step seven: have your lives fall apart. one of your lives, anyway. 

step eight: one of you will let the other down. one of you will feel let down by the other. there will come a time of need, and one of you will be abandoned by the other. not intentionally, not maliciously, but it will happen. and it will feel like a whole new kind of death. 

step nine: you drift. slowly but surely, you will drift, and you will be pulled apart. it'll be due to extraneous circumstances, but it'll also be a disaster of your own making. and whoever's primary fault it is? they'll know. believe me, they'll know. 

step ten: you break. crack. snap. it's gone. it's over and done. 

 

 

 

there are two versions of jim acosta. 

there's the one that's present most of the time. jim acosta, flawless in front of others, beautiful and bright and brilliant. and sometimes he cracks a little, you'll see him look sad or a bit broken. he might look tired, or close to tears. but he'll also look happy, or flirtatious, or at least decently managing himself.

and he'll be kind, full of heart. he'll be open. he'll talk to the people who hate him. he'll pet any dog that he sees. in the fleeting moments he has with his kids, he'll devote everything, heart and body and mind and soul, to them. he'll look for good in the world, try to provide it in the places he can't find it, or can't see it.

that's jim about ninety nine percent of the time. 

and he'll hide the bad stuff, not want people to see, for fear that they'll leave. but even that, the scared part, the part that cowers away, that's still a part of him, as much a part of him as anything else. and there are people who see through that, if not all the time then at least some of the time. 

jake can see through it. liz too. they can see that little sliver of stuff he'd rather not be in the ninety nine percent, but is because they're perceptive, and they care, and he cares right back.

and then, there's the one inside the briefing room. the one that's dying. jim doesn't know this version, not that well, it's the one he shoves as far down as he can. because he doesn't want to die, not yet, _not yet_. 

but he is, just a little bit, day by day. suffocating under pressure, under weight, under hate, under love. did atlas ever feel like that, when he held up the entire world on his shoulders just so no one else would? 

he'll die in that room. and no one will be any the wiser. maybe not even the people he loves, and the people who love him back. jim can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. he doesn't want to know. 

 

 

 

**a simplified timeline:**

2007: jim acosta joins cnn

2013: jake tapper joins cnn

2013: jim acosta is on the lead. jake falls in love

2014: they become friendly

2014: they become friends 

2015: they're in love

2016: the love starts to hurt

2016: the world comes crashing down

2016: jim finds liz landers

2017: jim gets divorced 

2017: jim loses his children

2017: jake lets jim down

2017: jim starts loving liz

2017: jake and jim crack and split down the middle

2018: jim has another bad january

2018: jim and jake see each other again

2018: jake now loves two people who deserve better

important things to note: there was a time when jim and jake were happy together. really and truly happy, in that blissed out way that seems to have disappeared somewhere along life's way. they were friends before they were anything else. jake may be the one who fucked up, but jim's the one who ended it and left him in the cold **_(_** because he fucked up **_)_**. jim's the only one who's been unfaithful to two people, jake and his wife. things with liz weren't planned. liz only thought this was a fling, before she realized she cared and that jim did too. there's a different between a split heart and broken heart, and all three of them know the difference intimately well. 

 

 

 

_"Every time we get asked about a pivot, the pivot doesn't happen. There's the illusion of a pivot, but then it usually doesn't happen." -Jim Acosta,[CNN's State of the Union with Jake Tapper](https://archive.org/details/CNNW_20170101_140000_State_of_the_Union_With_Jake_Tapper/start/1688/end/1748?q=acosta), January 1rst, 2017._

 

 

 

**the elevator: a story in two parts**

_2016_

the first couple of months after the election, there's a phenomenon. the elevators are quiet. like no one can figure out what to say, or how to say it all. the air has a faint taste of death. 

she's in the elevator with jim acosta, and it's silent. her feet ache slightly in her heels. he's rubbing his palms idly, the dry sound of skin on skin somehow louder than everything else. they're not really talking, haven't said much beyond simple greetings. 

her eyelids are pearly with sleeplessness. there are dark circles under his eyes. has anyone at the network really been sleeping these days? 

"i think i'm gonna get chief white house correspondent," jim says into the silence. liz hums. 

"congratulations." he makes a soft sound in the back of his throat. 

"i haven't gotten it yet," he warns. liz concedes that with a nod. "besides, i don't know if it merits congratulations."

"of course it does." he looks at her. "it's a great gig, even if it seems like it'll be hard." for some reason, that seems to wring a real smile out of him. liz isn't sure whether or not she's in on the joke. "it'll be high paying at least, so there's that." jim smiles. 

"that's the silver lining? the money?" 

"i'm a millennial, we're always thinking about money." truth be told, liz doesn't necessarily know if she fits into that particular generational threshold, but this seems like one of those conversations where you need to have a pithy reply at the ready in order to engage in repartee. 

"millennials are killing the humility industry." he laughs slightly, she laughs slightly, and they actually lapse into an easy silence. they look at each other. liz can't read the expression on his face. 

"well, if it helps, i think i might be working the white house too." jim's got a smile on his face now. _that_ , she can read. "so if you get the gig, i'll know."

"well, it's an honor to potentially be working with you." if he wasn't married, liz would think that he sounds vaguely flirtatious, acts vaguely flirtatious with the way he holds his hand out, like they're meeting for the first time. it's with a small laugh that liz takes his hand, shakes it.

she's about to ask if he needs to go back home. his skin feels feverishly hot, like he's running a high temperature. she's just come in from the cold, the air conditioning is on everywhere in the building, he's the warmest thing she's touched in quite a few minutes. 

the gap between them narrows and closes in a second. 

jim kisses like a sinner. he kisses like someone trying to forget god, like someone trying to find the path to hell. he has a hand cradling her jaw, palm against her throat, liz can feel her pulse pounding against his skin. she tilts her head, kisses him back. her fingers grip at his shoulders, pull him closer, clutch and unclutch. for an insane, wild moment, she wants to get her hands in the collar of his shirt, yank him closer. 

him, jim acosta. it's insane. but he's kissing her like he wants the exact same thing. 

one of them pulls away, but the both of them are gasping. his hands move down until there isn't anything they can hold anymore, then curl in on themselves. liz snatches her hands away as if burned.

there's a tear that isn't hers rolling down her cheek. 

"sorry." he says it like he just bumped into her on accident in the hallway. the elevator stops, then the door opens and he's gone, with his clever mouth and his damp eyes. 

**_(_** a thought flits through jim acosta's head: _so that's what true infidelity tastes like_. **_)_**

_2017_

cnn offices are pretty high up from the ground floor. plenty of time to chat in the elevators. or to kiss in elevators. 

not that that's an option at all. 

the universe has been largely favorable to them so far, and most, if not all of the elevators that they've occupied in the last few months have held other people in them too. liz can't really think back on any recent time where it was just the two of them and the ambient noise in the quiet. 

except now there is. 

the circumstances are different too. she's been working with jim ever since he got chief white house correspondent, and it's good. friendly and easy. two coworkers who are getting closer, spending some nice time together on the job. and neither of them are thinking of someone who's rapidly becoming a friend. 

maybe. 

_ding_. new floor. 

"do you like pizza?" liz brushes a stray strand of blond hair away from her face, stares at him almost in sheer, abject horror. 

"what kind of question is that?" she sounds almost aghast. jim's face breaks into a smile, one of those blinding ones. "do i like pizza? what kind of person would say no to that question?"

"my sister," jim says in a complete deadpan. she grimaces at him. 

"no offense to your sister, but that's terrible." he nods in agreement. 

"i'll make sure to let her know that the cute blond at cnn thinks her taste in food is atrocious." 

"you do that." 

_ding_. new floor. 

liz crosses her legs at the ankle. "any reason why you wanted to know whether or not i, like ninety nine percent of the population, like pizza?" jim's eyelashes are very long, especially when he's looking at her through them. 

"there's this place called ella's," he explains, instead of answering her question. "they've got really great pizza. honestly, some of the best i've had, though sciutto might be inclined to disagree." 

"he's from new york, they're pizza snobs." liz is from florida, she has no snobbery to speak of. "but thanks for the food rec, i think." jim shakes his head, like he's frustrated at himself. 

"i'm uh." he thins his lips. "i was wondering if you wanted to try it out. ella's, i mean." liz raises her eyebrows almost in spite of herself. jim is staring at her curiously, like he's trying to read her answer in her face. can he? 

"with you?" 

_ding_. new floor. 

"if you'd like." jim spreads his heads. her mind is going a thousand miles a minute. "or, counter offer, if you don't want pizza, we can try something else. some other kind of food. my point is," here he actually takes a step forward, then halts. liz fidgets with her fingers. "is that i'd like to take you to dinner." 

she could say no. he's fresh off a divorce, she's not even sure if he's actually legally divorced or if there's still more paperwork to go through. he's also been sleeping with almost everyone in the city, not just at the network. the political people too, maybe people from the other side of the aisle. 

isn't hope hicks single? she wouldn't be surprised if they had hooked up. 

_ding_. new floor.

and jim's older than her, and she works with him constantly, and yes he's handsome and has a kind smile but what if she's just got shitty taste in people, shitty taste in men? 

"ok." jim blinks at her. "ok, I will have dinner with you." there's an unspoken why not, but apparently it's enough. the smile is back, and liz has to smile back. she just has to. how can you look at a face like that and not smile.

and this just can just be a fling. just a casual sex thing. no one's obligated to turn it into anything more. 

_ding_. new floor.

 

 

 

word problem. jim acosta is with someone. he's vulnerable tonight. he tells that someone, "if i'm myself, no trappings, you wouldn't love me, you'd leave me". the person responds, "i wouldn't. i see you, i love you." who said this? is it:

a) jake tapper  
b) liz landers  
~~c) matt hoye~~  
d) no one at all

 

 

 

who is jake tapper? according to wikipedia: jacob paul tapper **_(_** born march 12, 1969 **_)_** is an american journalist and author. as of december 2017, tapper is the chief washington correspondent for cnn, anchor of the cnn weekday television news show _[the lead with jake tapper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lead_with_Jake_Tapper)_ , and anchor of the cnn and cnn international sunday morning affairs program _[state of the union](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State_of_the_Union_\(TV_series\))._

but who _is_ jake tapper? someone jim acosta used to love. 

 

 

 

contrary to popular belief, there was no struggle to forgive jake. none at all. it was almost pathetically easy. 

jake came and apologized, and jim forgave him. jim let him back into his heart and his bed with ease. jake said sorry, jim said it's ok. not in so many words, no, but the sentiment is there, bright and clear. there may not be room for jim to love himself, but there's plenty of room for jake. 

that's the awful part, isn't it? he just forgave him. jake screwed up monumentally, and rather than stick to his principles, jim is going to let him do it again. and if that happens, when that happens, the cycle will repeat. jim will hurt, and he will take measure to protect himself, but at the slightest ask he'll let jake back in and forgive him anything. and it'll go on and on. 

and it doesn't even matter that he has liz, that he cares about liz, that he knows for a fact that he doesn't want to give her up. he lets jake back in, no reservations, no preconditions. because he loves him and it doesn't matter if he gets hurt again.

and it's not that jim doesn't know any better. he does. he just doesn't care. 

it feels right, with jake. like they're in sync, the two of them. jake smiles, jim smiles. when jim laughs, jake laughs. and jim can't pinpoint pinpoint when he started feeling something more, or when jake started feeling something more, but it seems to have happened in tandem. 

and when jake doesn't make him want to carve his heart out, for a wide variety of reasons, jake makes him happy. he makes him smile, and jim makes him smile too. that's almost worth it. when he remembers the 2016 campaign, the banter, the corresponding inside jokes, he has a warm feeling in his chest. it makes him feel good. 

so he could just be selfish. selfish, and not want to let go of something that feels so good when it doesn't feel so awful. maybe that's why he doesn't care. 

or maybe he does care. and maybe, he just wants to kill himself. he's swell at it, isn't he? alcohol, to destroy his liver. smoking, to destroy his lungs. and love, to destroy his heart. there is, after all, a reason why he smiles less nowadays. 

 

 

 

_"Do you know the agony it causes him? Perhaps you like it. Knowing you still have the power to break his heart."_

 

 

 

jim loves unconditionally. he does, he really does, even though he knows it's detrimental and painful. knows that it causes more harm than good, not just to him but maybe to others around him too.

he still loves the job that tortures him. he still loves the country that could kill him **_(_** america? cuba? who knows? **_)_**. he still loves the ex-wife that left him, and he still loves jake, who hurt him. 

he still loves his parents who he hopes aren't disappointed in him, and he still loves his friends he hopes aren't tired of his bullshit. he still loves the kids he doesn't get to see, and he still loves liz, who deserves so much better.

all of it is unconditional. even though it shouldn't be, really shouldn't be. but it is. there's a lot of room for unconditional love in his heart. for other people, that is. 

no room left for jim acosta to give unconditional love to jim acosta. 

 

 

 

i told you that they got back together. i never said that they went back to the way things were. because they didn't. 

 

 

 

jim makes himself at home in jake's office. he's always done that, whenever he barges in, oftentimes uninvited. but nowadays, with the campaign trail heating up as they hurtle towards 2016, he does it a lot more than usual. 

jake doesn't mind. he likes it, that jim feels at home in his space, around him. they've been doing that a lot more, not just at work, in the bedroom too. and it feels so good jake doesn't even have time to feel guilty. not when he looks at jim and thinks of the last time he saw him, in the dead of night.

it plays in his head, on an eternal feedback loop, jim pushing him up against the door. kissing him, getting a hand in his pants. touching him and touching him until jake came with a sharp gasp and a soft cry, muffled by jim's palm. 

it's not the only memory he has, but it is the most recent. 

"you know," jim says, interrupting his less than squeaky clean thought process, "i'm now officially banking on kanye 2020 being a thing." jake pushes his reading glasses up his nose with a groan. 

"kanye/trump ticket?" he suggests. jim throws a pencil at his head, with a remarkable amount of accuracy. so much so that jake actually has to duck so that it hits one of his memorabilia posters, and not his nose. "don't hate the player jim, hate the game." 

"oh my god, never say that again!" but he's smiling even as he admonishes him. it's a beautiful sight. 

jim's beautiful. it's the first thing he noticed about him, two years ago. how absolutely stunning he was. of course, there are other things he's noticed, but it's the botticelli angel level of gorgeous that sticks out, first and foremost, just like it did the very first time.

"you think anything'll come of it?" he asks, running a hand through his hair. jim shakes his head. he's sitting on the couch, draped on the couch more like it, legs crossed so an ankle rests on his knee, arms against the back. his tie is unknotted, his top button undone, and jake's not a college frat boy but the word that comes to mind is hot. 

"nah, i think we're gonna get a final showdown between hillary and jeb." jake makes a face. that's less than ideal. hillary fucking clinton, or another bush. a real's sophie's choice of bad. "hey," jim says when he sees the look on jake's face. "it could be worse. it could be ted cruz and bernie sanders." 

"or donald trump." jim's face scrunches up for a moment before they dissolve into laughter. president trump. god, that would be weird. that would be so totally and completely bizarre. how would that even happen, he'd need some kind of divine **_(_** or hellish **_)_** intervention to make that happen. 

jim's got a dreamy look in his eye. jake puts his work down, stands, makes his way over to where jim's sitting. it's weird. sometimes he feels like he's a world away from jim in every way, even though they work together so closely and jake's only got two years and two inches on him. 

sometimes he feels like there's no space between them at all. 

"tell me what you're thinking about it." jim gazes up at him through long eyelashes. 

"i should quit correspondence," he says suddenly. jake's eyebrows dance up.

"what, like leave the network?" jim laughs, a bubbling and energetic sound, and actually reaches out to touch a quick hand to jake's thigh, like some kind of reassurance. 

"no, dumbass." that's rich, coming from him. "i've been doing journalism since high school, probably couldn't leave it if i tried." that's fair. "i'm thinking more like i wear zucker down and finally get my own show. that's the dream, isn't it, being a big shot anchor?" 

"i'm a big shot anchor," jake points out. 

"exactly." jake rolls his eyes. jim's mind goes in such weird directions. it's hard to keep up, sometimes. "or i could take over for wolf, when he finally retires. or dies. whichever comes first." jake huffs out a laugh. "think about it. jim acosta, next door in the situation room." 

"that would be." jake's tongue is a bit dry. he still stumbles over jim's name, stammers it out half of the time, like it's that first day in 2013 all over again. "that would be something." jim smiles up at him, licks his lips. there's an unlimited fondness in his eyes.

"oh, come here." jim hauls him by the collar and aims for what clearly is meant to be a quick peck, or some such thing. but jake lets himself be dragged down, and deepens the kiss before jim can pull away, makes it good and proper. jim hums against his mouth, a pleased sound. like he doesn't mind. 

if past moments are anything to go on, jake knows that he doesn't mind. he can feel the cool of jim's wedding band on his cheek, but jake doesn't mind. jim's hair is soft, and his lips are too. jake could kiss him for an eternity, for forever and then a day, and never get tired of it. 

jim is smiling when he pulls away. does he ever not smile? 

jake takes his face in his hands, kisses him again. jim indulges him, before they part again. 

"i feel the need to point out that your door is super unlocked." jake sits down on his couch, shrugs off his jacket. he feels brazen, a bit punch drunk. being around jim, kissing jim, it has that effect. 

"so go lock it." jim's eyebrows raise, and it's more of a smirk this time. there are smudges of filth to it, that tighten jake's stomach. but his eyes are bright and shining, full of stars. there's a constellation of care in his gaze. 

"jake tapper, have i told you that i like the way you think?" jim stands, goes and twists the lock. he leans against the door handle before he returns, glancing jake up and down. it conversely allows him the opportunity to drink him in, like he does on air. 

jake realizes that he's in love. huh. 

he's probably been in love for a while now, but this is the first time that he realizes it. he'll realize it every day from now on, each time he sees him, but this is the time it hits him. it's all of the cliched analogies. it's a speeding truck, a bolt of lightning, a kick in the chest, a punch in the face. he's in love with jim acosta, in that intangible way that slips through fingers, defies any kind of succinct explanation. 

it's the way that you know that it's true, that it's real. 

at this same time, jim is realizing that he's in love too. and that the way he loves him is just as real. they really fell in love at the exact same time. 


End file.
